Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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