The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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