Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
