my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
