Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
