Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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