i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
