I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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