Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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