Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
