he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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