Define "chronic" masturbator.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
