If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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