You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
