Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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