oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
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I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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