She's JV to your varsity
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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