I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize