I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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