So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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