In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Randomize
