I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
