Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
