I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
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guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
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If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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