i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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