he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
