my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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