Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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