It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
