And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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