My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
