fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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