how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
