Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
