She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
