I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize