I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
