He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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