and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
