Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
