I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
