Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
