and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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