i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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