apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
