Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
