The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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