You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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