the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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