I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
