you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want her autograph on my taint
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
