i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
