when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
