You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?