the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
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She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
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DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.