we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Bring me that man meat