there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
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Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
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mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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