she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Everything about him screamed your future.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
