Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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