i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
