dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
