i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
