I'm jealous of your bromance
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
