I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
