he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
