the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
